dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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