is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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