Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
