Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
