She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
