The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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