Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
