i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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