then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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