You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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