I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I cut my penus on the lid.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
