sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize