Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize