i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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