Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
