toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
