Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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