Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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