I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
