tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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