On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm at about main and main street
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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