I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
