Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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