Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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