He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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