I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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