dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
