Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Sext me about skeletons
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
