i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
