you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
