i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
