today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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