Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize