My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
