I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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