today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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