My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
