you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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