Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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