Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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