You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
