i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
