I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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