The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
