im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
