Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
