it hurts more in the daytime
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
