One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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