First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
