Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
