life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
