remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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