I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
