I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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