let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
