I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
