Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
