I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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