everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
