how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
