I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
