Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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