I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
