sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
