you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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