I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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