Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
